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DiskothiQ - The Football Albums: American Conference (1999) [Sonic Enemy, SE003B, CD]
01. Bills
i've been sitting in this bunker
all freaking day and night
i've been waiting for the moment
i'd be asked to go and fight
the time is drawing nearer
all hopes are in the tank
eight hundred million people
now watch me walk the plank
i slide into my helmet
i snap the chinstrap tight
the noise seems very far away
the crowd, the blimp, the lights
no one will blame jim kelly
for choking on third down
next year i'll sell insurance
in a small virginia town
Peter's notes:
When I got back into football after not having paid attention through my '80s adolescence, I decided to root for the Buffalo Bills, because I had friends who lived in nearby Olean, New York, and because I remembered them having an image so unglamorous not even OJ could make them interesting. Then they started going to Super Bowls and losing them, and then my friends in Olean--who spent their summers cleaning dorms at nearby Alfred University where the Bills had their training camp--started telling me nasty stories about players scamming on skanky girls and having to clean up the messes they made together. Yech.
02. Jets
some people build a bed to lie on
some people build a road to zion
what are we building?
what are we building?
some people see a glass half-empty
some people see a land of plenty
depends on how you're looking
how are you looking?
starting today
all history is null and void
according to me
and that should be all that it takes to convince you
and if i call you a girl
well at least you know just where you stand
my judgment is based on the evidence you bring to bear
it's fair and square
some people like to make excuses
those people are the world's cabooses
what are we making?
what are we making?
some people shy away from danger
some people like to talk to strangers
now you're talking
now you are talking
Peter's notes:
Whatever you wanna say about Parcells, it cannot be denied that the man is single-handedly responsible for the best thing to happen to football in the last two decades, namely, bringing back the Jets old uniforms. What a precedent.
03. Dolphins
as the men march down the field
in their orderly procession
you try in vain to catch a glimpse
of the infinite regression
of the hat on the fish
on the hat on the fish
on the hat on the fish on the hat
the mathematicians gave it a name
but miami's done em one better
they've gone and replaced infinity
with a single, simple, letter
well they could have used a mobius strip
and maybe they should've used an eta
but a capital, sans-serif M
was what civic pride dictated
so no hat on the fish
on the hat on the fish
on the hat on the fish on the hat
garo yepremian tossed in his sleep
wishing he could've thrown better
but there wasn't a thing that he could do
about that single, simple, letter
Peter's notes:
Okay, look at the Dolphins' helmet logo. The dolphin is wearing a helmet. What then should be on the dolphin's helmet? A dolphin, right? Wearing a helmet with another dolphin, who's wearing another helmet with yet another dolphin, and so forth.
04. Colts
how long must the sins of the father
be visited upon the head of the son
how long must the good people of indianapolis wait
after all it's not like they did anything wrong
they left the uniforms intact
hired a couple decent quarterbacks
after having had the good sense
to run jeff george out of town
how long must the sins of the father
be visited upon the head of the son
how long must the good people of indianapolis wait
after all it's not like they did anything wrong
they didn't go and change the name
they kept the insignia the same
i'd even bet if they could scrape up the cash
they'd build a real stadium
Peter's notes:
The statute of limitations on the Colts' ignoble desertion of Baltimore ran out the moment Robert Irsay's life did. Which is good, because I'm prepared to forgive them: I always did like Jim Harbaugh, especially during the period when the Colts were experimenting with the no-offensive-line-whatsoever formation, and Harbaugh was getting his teeth shoved down his throat on every down, and dude just kept getting back up. And then he punched out that big jake, Jim Kelly! Awesome!
05. Patriots
if you ever have a chance to go
to a football game in foxboro
get in your car and
drive into sharon
it's not so very far, you know
if you have a chance to see
that fine new england football team
you better get ready
and call uncle eddie
he'll show you what you gotta see
when you wake up from your winter's nap
after that last bad cold snap
start wondering when they
start tearing down fenway
forget about that football crap
Peter's notes:
When the young Drew Bledsoe put his signing bonus in the bank, he called up his bank's 1-800 number over and over, listening to the automated voice reciting his suddenly very large balance, and giggling himself sick. Nothing to do with the song, but that's why I like the Patriots still. My folks are from Sharon, and Bob Fay bought his drums there.
06. Jaguars
'twas the Sunday night before Christmas
and everyone at my house
set aside their usual business
for a little game of cat and mouse
the cat in this case was the Jaguars
the mouse, it was made out of steel
but when we turned on the TV well I swore
there was something silly down on the field
and we said: what's up with the Santa on the field?
what's up with the Santa on the field?
Santa Claus came to Jacksonville
that's how come there’s a Santa on the field
Peter's notes:
Does anyone else remember this? I'm only guessing that it was the Steelers they were playing, but there was definitely some game in Jacksonville during their first or second season where they'd painted a big Santa Claus in the center of the field where the team insignia usually goes.
07. Ravens
yesterday I had this way
of thinking of myself
if only I had got the breaks
like everybody else
it’s just 'cause I'd had too much pride
to sit down or sell out
otherwise there'd be a ring
upon that trophy shelf
recently it occurred to me
to prove it to them all
the pretenders and the half-talents
would give me back the ball
but there I was at half-time
doubled-over in the stall
the grander one's delusions
the more startling the fall
perhaps the world is more meritocratic
than I'd thought
maybe, just maybe
my shit ain't all that hot
it's a bitter pill to swallow
after all that smack I talked
well I've eaten humble pie before
but this here's an awful lot
Peter's notes:
There was a brief--very brief--period after the end of the 1997–98 season during which Jim Kelly was considering coming out of retirement to play for Baltimore. This song was written during that period, and imagines the delightful scenario that would have awaited him there. Instead we have to settle for Scott Mitchell, which is almost as good.
08. Titans (Oilers)
Billy is a black man
but Billy wears white shoes
Billy is a black man
but Billy wears white shoes
gonna run a hundred yards
gonna run into the endzone
gonna run a hundred yards
gonna do a little dance
and Billy goes:
[listeners should now visualize and/or do the Billy "White Shoes" Johnson dance]
Peter's notes:
Probably the worst thing DiskothiQ's ever done, which is kind of saying a lot.
09. Bengals
I remember back in '72
before they looked like they escaped from the zoo
tall skinny letters describing a perfect arc
back in the days when real men still played on grass
a Cincinnati team could still kick some ass
they'd pound you, and punch you,
and not even leave a mark
Bengals!
Kenny Anderson, where have you gone?
this Cincinnati team has sucked for too long
it's pretty obvious the days of glory are through
but come on 'nati fans, here's what you do
Classic Sports Network has got something for you
Bengals and Browns in 1972
Bengals!
Peter's notes:
I'm actually an apologist for the Bengals' uniforms, if only because of the fact that their helmet design is one of only two in professional football that utilizes the helmet as three-dimensional object, rather than just a billboard for a logo (the Rams' is the other, if you're wondering). But I do miss the old seventies ones: there was something uncannily right about the proportions of the typeface, a look at once unassuming, rugged, and elegant. Parcells' next rescue project?
10. Steelers
everybody get down!
we're going back to Steelertown
we're gonna watch Bill Cowher melt down
when we get ourselves to Steelertown
in a stadium built like a big steel trap
we're all going in but we won't all come back
so say your goodbyes and get your bags packed
and get on the bus 'cause there's no turning back
everybody get down!
we're going back to Steelertown
we're gonna watch Bill Cowher melt down
when we get ourselves to Steelertown
they got tenements built outta old yellow brick
like a dirty fried egg sure to make you real sick
could have something to do with the colors they picked
but all of their teams are looking real slick
everybody get down!
we're going back to Steelertown
we'll watch Manny Theiner melt down
when we get ourselves to Steelertown
Peter's notes:
Verses tossed together at the last minute, inspired by an H.L. Mencken essay portraying Pittsburgh as the most abysmally, hideously, unspeakably ugly place man has ever created. Mencken was a pretty funny guy, but you get the feeling that hanging out with him would've been like hanging out with a stand-up comic who's always trying out his new material on whoever's around, and after a while it would've stopped being funny.
11. Browns
Cleveland Browns, Cleveland Browns
an evil man has robbed the town
now he is headed nowhere but down
what comes around, it goes around
Art Modell, Art Modell
if there is justice, you'll burn in hell
for you're the man who robbed the town
and what comes around must go around
a city's heart, a city's pride
should not be toyed with, nor be denied
you took the bone from the dog pound
and what comes around will go around
Peter's notes:
The Browns! Reincarnated as the true America's Team--now owned by MBNA chairman Al Lerner, and me and you and everyone else in this country with revolving credit helped pay for them. And you'll not find a better non-sequitur in all of sports than the Browns' plain orange helmet.
12. Raiders
when we decided to move to Los Angeles
once we'd made up our minds there was no stopping us
when we decided to move to L.A.
"don't get carried away," everybody would say
but I was tired of the weather
and I was ready for a change
so I packed up my jumpsuit and Raiders sweater
and hopped the next departing plane
and God it was great for a little while
the sand and the sun; the weekends we won
but the vertical game, it had gone our of style
and when it stopped being fun, that's when the damage was done
and I'm not the first to learn this lesson
there's fickleness in the air that they breathe
and once I'd given up on guessin'
I simply left, I did not grieve
Peter's notes:
Written driving home alone in the rain from seeing Lou Barlow play a most disquieting show in West L.A., his first after moving out here. One of those "more than we really needed to know, thanks" shows. A fucking blood-bath, basically. But nothing, nothing next to the glory of the Raiders, I tell you. God bless 'em.
13. Chargers
who wouldn't wanna live in San Diego?
that charming, sparkling city by the sea
where people who profess to hate L.A. go
when they can't decide where else they'd rather be
now I am not a cultural critic
I don't mean to sound so acidic
I hope you'll understand me when I say:
no team is better than the Bolts
no team is better than the Bolts
no team is better than the Bolts any day
Peter's notes:
I can hear y'all now: where's the Cryin' Leaf references?!? You mean you're unimpressed by the "San Diego/hate L.A. go" rhyme?
14. Seahawks
the sea is blue
the trees are green
the sky is grey
so the uniforms will stay the same
but an old Kingdome is no place to call home
so I'm building us a new stadium
ever since I was a kid
I had this dream that went unfulfilled
but now thanks to my uncle Bill
the time has come to live the dream
but an old Kingdome is no place to call home
so I'm building us a new stadium
I've been saving my sheckles
for a rainy day
and I've been hearing the heckles
'cause everyday it rains
everyday it rains
you gotta open up the roof and let it rain
Peter's notes:
I'm always bummed when teams ditch their logos in favor of new, more fashionable ones, because the only way the great, timeless logos got that way was through decades of permeating the culture at large and the years worth of associations they've accumulated. I mean, the Broncos' old D-with-prancing-horse logo was hardly a classic from a purely design perspective, but it was well on its way to achieving icon status just because it'd been in use for so long; think how much more resonance Elway's first Super Bowl non-choke would've had if he'd been wearing the same uniform as before. All that said, I've been looking at the Seahawks' helmets for more than twenty years now, and they still look just plain weird.
15. Chiefs
in November of our seventeenth year
the Denver Broncos came to town
and we went out to Arrowhead
yeah we went out to shout them down
we took our seats at the 35
and it was good to be alive
out there at the 35
all week long
the house had been a wreck
you'd worked late all week
and I tried to do my best
I did my best to straighten up
to feed the dogs
to hold my tongue
when Sunday came around
we packed the car up high
and we rode into town
and it was a quiet ride
I think we both knew what was to come
but we played dumb
yeah, we both played dumb
with seconds on the clock
the game was on the line
and Pete Stoyanovich
booted a long line-drive
for fifty-seven yards
it hurtled through the air
and we watched it clear the bar
with several feet to spare
and the cheers began to rise
and the noise it was unreal
and I looked into your eyes
and I knew right then the deal
it was November
and it would not get better than this
Peter's notes:
Early on in the going John Darnielle enthused, "The great thing about this is that if I were doing it, I would say okay, I'm gonna write a bunch of songs about football, but then after two songs I'd just be writing about people in failing relationships sitting in the stands--but you guys are gonna do it for real!" Well, kinda. I'd already decided that for this to be at all tolerable, we'd have to approach the songs from as many different angles as we could think of. So this is the song John would have written.
16. Broncos
in the 1960s a man had a dream
about a world in which he owned his own football
team so he packed up his bags and he headed out west
and he sought the mascot that was appropriate-est
up in the mountains people like to live rough
they build their own log cabins and go hunting and stuff
the mountain people aren't above going potty outside
and the team was named after the horsies they ride
by 1997 something had to be done
four times to Super Bowl, but they never won
they had to change their image, was the common advice
so the marketers could sell some more merchandise
many months of meetings were held to decide
just what the mountain people really wanted to buy
then they went to Nike, and here's what they said:
"Put a flaming donkey on John Elway’s head!"
Peter's notes:
Lame teams deserve lame songs. (See also: 49ers.)
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