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DiskothiQ - The Football Albums: National Conference (1999) [Sonic Enemy, SE003A, CD]
01. Saints
do you know what it's like to be a laughing stock?
to be called stupid names up and down your block?
in the grocery store they say whatever they please
it takes a helluva man to wear a fleur de lis
you're the unfortunate kid who gets picked last in gym
well it's one thing to lose but to suck is a sin
you spend half of your life getting off of your knees
it takes a helluva man to wear a fleur de lis
everyone bruises and everyone bleeds
but at the end of the day it’s the laughter that stings
when going .500 is as good as a ring
it takes a helluva man to wear a fleur de lis
these neighborhood critics, they don't know what it takes
I'd love to hit 'em one time and watch their whole body break
but I still hear their snickers in the john when I pee
it takes a helluva man to wear a fleur de lis
so swallow your arrogance, swallow your pride
and swallow some pills to help keep them inside
because life's a succession of long losing streaks
it takes a helluva man to wear a fleur de lis
Peter's notes:
This was the second song I wrote for the project, and the one that catapulted The Football Albums from a bad idea about to go the way of most bad ideas to a bad idea destined for horrifyingly full realization. We tried working it up as a band but it never quite gelled, making this a good opportunity to open an album with an acoustic song, something I've wanted to do for years. I've always liked the Saints even though there hasn't been much to like about them since Tom Dempsey--the logo is classy without being overly fey or contrived, and the colors are smart. Even though domes are the work of Satan, something about the lighting down there in New Orleans makes the helmets look gorgeous. Too bad they're gonna ruin Ricky Williams' career by playing him when he's hurt... credits
02. Rams
when they lived in Los Angeles
some people cared every occasionally
and after they moved to Disneyland
a few people still cared every now and then
oh but nobody cares about the St Louis Rams
how could anybody care about the St Louis Rams?
in the summer of 1998
there was another sport and it was pretty great
and if anyone in St Louis cared about the Rams before
I can't imagine that that person gives two goddamns anymore
because nobody cares about the St Louis Rams how could anybody care about the St Louis Rams?
Peter's notes:
I remember the Rams. I remember reading as a little kid that Pat Haden had been a "Rhodes Scholar," and even though I basically had no idea what that meant, I knew that it was something that I, already brainy and uncool at age 7, could look upon with pride. I remember, inexplicably, a game at the Coliseum against the St Louis Cardinals which sold out at the last minute, meaning the customary TV blackout was lifted! I remember Super Bowl XIV, the Rams and the Steelers at the Rose Bowl, and there being hope for the Rams until quite late in the game, and the light in the sky outside looking exactly like the light in the sky on television. I remember going to a Monday night game in Anaheim with a friend from school in his dad's new '82 Corvette, and thinking this sucks and not being disappointed when we left late in the third quarter. A team that will suck until the owner dies or can be persuaded to sell it. Too bad: still one of the best uniforms in the game
03. Falcons
well I was gonna write a song about the Atlanta Falcons
but I was waiting for Dan Reeves to actually die
I thought it would make it that much more dramatic
but Dan Reeves is tough, and he's still alive
now don't get me wrong: I’ve got nothing against him
in fact he's one of my favorite guys
I don't know him; I've never met him
but if he pissed off John Elway then he's a friend of mine
and hey while we're at it, how 'bout them Falcons?
those silly dances we all wish they'd stop
and we're all tired of watching Jamal Anderson's mother
but at least she ain't doing the Tomahawk Chop!
Atlanta Falcons: watch 'em hand the 49ers another defeat
Atlanta Falcons: all the best coaches suffer from heart disease
Peter's notes:
Written during the NFC divisional playoff game between the Falcons and 49ers last year. God I hate the Tomahawk Chop. Don't know why it is that I can hate the Braves and their fans so much yet have no problem at all rooting for the Falcons. Must be that underdog thing. I love it when anybody can create that look of panic--that "This can't be happening!" look-- in Steve Young's eyes. Priceless.
04. Panthers
this morning I've had far too much time to think
last night I had something like too much to drink
and I feel like my ship is beginning to sink
and I must have spent quite an hour and a half
waiting for the spinning to stop in the bath
and I thought of myself and I tried not to laugh
I thought of myself and what I have become
I tried to discern just where I had gone wrong
I tried to narrow them all down to one
but all I could hear was them screaming my name
and I stood by as all my selfishness became
something more closely akin to self-hate
Peter's notes:
One night I got so hammered watching 90210 over at our friends' house that I had to spend half the night in the tub, because if I lay all the way down in bed it felt like I was going to be flung from the face of the earth. Plus my wife was pissed. I bet this is what it's like to be Kerry Collins, I thought.
05. 49ers
forty-one/two/three/four/five/six/seven/eight/nine
Peter's notes:
Lame teams deserve lame songs. (See also: Broncos.)
06. Bears
no one's ever accused me of being ambitious
not with any degree of accuracy anyway
if we started to win it'd just look suspicious
and any city that loves the Cubbies, well what are they going to say?
but just last night I had a visitor
and starting today things'll be real different round here
calling all souls!
get your asses to camp, we're gonna bring it home
we've got a hallowed and grand tradition
passed down from Halas to Ditka to yeah, I guess me too
here in the mother of all divisions
this season we'll be the reason they call it the black and the blue
'cause just last night I had a visitor
and starting today things'll be real different round here
calling all souls!
get your asses to camp, we're gonna bring it home
Peter's notes:
The basic idea here being that the Bears have had a long-standing arrangement with the devil, and their current coach (Dave Wannstedt at the time this was written, although the song works equally well for Dick Jauron), having just been made aware of this, is now flush with the possibilities before him.
07. Buccaneers
waking up on Sunday
it used to be a chore
and going to school on Monday
was like walking through a morgue
oh but not anymore
'cause on a day so fine
for the very first time
in twenty-seven valiant attempts
yes on a day so fair
Darren and Brent were there
to see this futility record put to bed
and when I was a child
we dreamed of what would be
but now it's been a while
since we thought of that brass ring
oh but listen to me
'cause one fine day you'll see
the sweetest victory you’ll know
is the one that was hardest earned
and on that sunny day
you'll cast it on the flames
and you’ll watch that futility record burn, burn, burn!
Peter's notes:
As much a tribute to our friends from Shadowland/Further/Beachwood Sparks/The Tyde/et al as it is to the team from Tampa. Darren and Brent grew up in St. Pete, had season tix the first few years, and claim to have been there when the Buccaneers notched their first victory after nearly two full seasons of humiliation (even though if you look it up, you'll discover their first victory came in New Orleans--but why let the truth get in the way of a good story? And they did get their second win the next week at home...). Four winning seasons since 1976, but the brass ring is always within reach, right guys?
08. Lions
hey go Barry go
look at him go
stealing the show
hey run Barry run
look at him run
that sonofagun
Dad isn't impressed
he’s seen the best
and this isn’t the best
no he isn't Jim Brown
but look at him now, Dad
look at him now
Peter's notes:
Not much to this one, although Mr Sanders' recent "retirement" casts a somewhat different light on the perfunctory lyrics. An exercise in seeing just how little you can do and still come out with a reasonably enjoyable song.
09. Packers
hey Reggie
God didn't fix your hammy
your hammy, it was fixed by your faith
it's a subtle distinction that I make
but God, he has no personal stake
in your hammy
Reggie
and Reggie
God does not like the Packers
any more than he likes the Chicago Bears
those other players say their prayers
and you're an idiot to think God cares
exclusively about the Packers
Reggie
hey Reggie
this might sound kinda funny
but maybe God is tired of your act
next time you have a little chat
ask him why he never fixed your back
it's kinda funny
ain't it now, Reggie?
Peter's notes:
I love the Packers and initially the song for them was to be laughably laudatory: "Packers: mighty and glorious! Seldom but victorious!" Then Reggie's big fucking mouth, along with his ignorant a-hole homophobia and dipshit notions of racial harmony--"The Orientals, why, they can turn a TV into a watch!"--got the best of him. Ultimately though, it's Reggie's almost unbelievably childish understanding of his relationship to his maker that really makes him compelling: the idea of God rewarding Reggie's devotion with Packer victories is just too wonderful to resist. I myself consider it a victory for agnosticism each week that my non-prayers for White's absence from the public stage (not to mention the Packers' line-up) continue to be honored.
10. Vikings
it's one o'clock in the afternoon
and this day could not come too soon
it’s summertime and the feeling's right
to hit all day and hurt all night
and I pull out my favorite magazine
with the photograph of me and Denny Green
the older guys, they've been doing this for years
and after drills they'll go get beers
and one day I'll be just like them
but tonight I'll be in bed by ten
and I pull out my favorite magazine
and I sleep so hard that I forget to dream
the folks back home, they're beside themselves
and this time I won't let them down
as for those who have their doubts, well
I'll just have to prove them wrong
and I pull out my favorite magazine
and begin to understand what all this means
well it's one o'clock in the afternoon
and this day could not come too soon
and Mr Carter just walked by
and he said, "hey kid, you're doing fine"
and I think of my favorite magazine
it’s the one that says: "Moss has made the team"
Peter's notes:
Imagine Randy Moss in his first week at camp, writing letters home before turning in early, playing his heart out during the day and sleeping like a babe all night, all earnestness, humility and wholesome courage. Randy Moss as directed by Frank Capra. Randy Moss drinking tall, cold glasses of milk. Why is this cynical?
11. Eagles
NFC East
the mark of the beast
the silver and green
and boy are they mean
they piss in the stands
they wipe with their hands
they get into fights
and then they lock 'em up tight
Eagles!
picture the scene
the silver and green
there's blood in the stands
there's blood on their hands
they drink 'til they're sick
they whip out their dicks
they get into fights
and then they party all night
Eagles!
Peter's notes:
A dividing line for our friends, the point beyond which many of them just had to shake their heads sadly and say sorry, guys--can't go there with you. That's okay. Philly's a tough town. You're probably better off staying home. The recording, by the way, was just us warming up while Steve was getting levels, hence the cut-off intro; Steve insisted on finishing and mixing it though, and when he was done we saw no reason to do it again.
12. Cowboys
think of everyone who's ever lived and died
how cool then is it that our lives should coincide?
you know we're really very lucky, you and I
the odds against it are quite staggering you'll find
if I could do the math I would
I'd do it and I'd show you just how good
we got it; if you only understood
how rare and brief and precious is this moment
then you'd work harder
they say the universe is really freaking old
fifteen billion years is the latest guess I'm told
and you could fit the history of earth into a hole
not much bigger than your dislocated toe
if I could do the math I would
I'd do it and I'd show you just how good
we got it; if you only understood
how rare and brief and precious is this moment
then you'd work harder
Peter's notes:
Okay, I'll admit it: this song would have been written if we'd been working on a record about football or not. My tenuous explanation for its inclusion is that it's Troy Aikman imploring Michael Irvin to get his shit together, because, after all, when you look at things on a cosmological scale, it's completely miraculous that any two people could have the opportunity to do anything together, let alone something at which they both excel and do better together than apart.
13. R-dskins
is there anything more offensive than the name
of the Washington R-dskins?
why not just call yourselves the Darkies?
why not just call yourselves the Yellowmen?
why not just call yourselves the Filthy, Thieving Jews?
why not just call yourselves the Towelheads?
well it's not bad enough that we stole their land
and it's not bad enough that we robbed them blind
and it's not bad enough that we're guilty of what amounts to genocidenow we appropriate their image
for our football teams
some people say it's harmless
I say it's mockery
now we appropriate their image
for our dumb sports teams
some people think it's funny
it's just embarrassing
is there anything more offensive than the name
of the Washington R-dskins?
Peter's notes:
I would hardly characterize myself as being politically correct, a bleeding heart liberal, or a perpetual whiner--all things I have been accused of in the R-dskins newsgroup--but Jesus Christ: R-dskins?
14. Cardinals
the Arizona, the Arizona Cardinals
they used to live in the city of St Louis
it's hard to remember to call them Arizona
the Arizona Cardinals
the Arizona, the Arizona Cardinals
it makes me wonder: are there Cardinals in Arizona?
they got the little birdies; they got the little birdies
birdies
Peter's notes:
This here would be the last song written for the Football Albums, except that it was never actually written: we improvised it to tape with the only guideline being drummer Kevin's insistence that I somehow incorporate the phrase "little birdies." My cousin Jack sent along a tape of him reciting a poem he'd written in honor of the Cardinals subsequent to his divorce and move to Phoenix, which we mixed in to fill things out. Thanks, Jack!
15. Giants
GI-ANTS!
Peter's notes:
It's a fantasy too tempting to resist indulging: 70,000 drunk, icicle-throwing Giants fans chanting along with us. So perfect.
16. Los Angeles
I speak on behalf of all of L.A.
when I say we like our football on TV
if we wanna see a game, there's always UCLA
or if they're all suspended because of parking violations then USC
we won't appropriate no public funds
to build your cash register stadiums
nor do we need another billionaire
with bad sunglasses and greasy hair
to besmirch our city's reputation
before the eyes of all the nation
if there's one thing Los Angeles don't need
it’s another bad football team
I speak on behalf of all of L.A.
when I say we like our football on TV
Peter's notes:
SPECIAL NFC BONUS SONG: Maybe it's different when you grow up in Green Bay or Cleveland, but for me football is about getting up on a Sunday morning, parking my ass in front of the TV with the paper and the appropriate food and drink, and sticking it out from pre-game at nine to post-game at four. Just like baseball is about hot dogs and peanuts and a day at the park, football is about flipping back and forth between games and putting off washing the car until it's too dark to do it anyway. Besides that, I love the fact that Los Angeles just can't be bothered to give a shit about the NFL. If the only thing your city is known for is its professional sports teams, I got news for you, chump: you don't live in a real city.
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